"Why would I add “birthdays” to my mental health series? Odd, isn’t?"
Well, yes, for most people, their birthday is the day they most look forward to each year because that is the day, they get to be the “most important” person for the day. The day people from all over the world would send them wishes, whether by a text, phone call or video call. The day they would receive gifts, treats, cakes, especially. That is the day, they feel the happiest, the most special, the day they felt loved.
Then there are some people who treats their birthday as a normal day with nothing special.
They just do what they always do like every other day. Sometimes, you may find some people in this category being a bit annoyed or awkward when they actually get wished. Therefore, to avoid it all, they would actually keep their birthday as a secret.
There are also some people who secretly dislike birthdays because it is the start of them adding another figure to their age. Yes, age is just a number, right? But that number, whether you like it or not will keep on increasing every single year.
Then there is me.
Truthfully, I am the person who is the most scared and depressed when my birthday comes near. So being depressed for weeks before my birthday is something that is not a stranger for me. I have practically been like this since forever, I guess?
Here is a thing, I am a person who generally loves birthday celebrations. I love how people would actually gather together to celebrate a person’s birthday. It feels really lively. I also love surprises. You know what, let me just go straight to the point that I am the person who would love to feel special just for a day.
Do not get me wrong though. I love to wish people “happy birthday”, celebrate it, and even send treats and gifts to people close. For me, I treat other people’s birthday as a day that is worth celebrating. I treat it as if every single one of them would want to feel special for that one day. I especially love it whenever I see people posting of how they celebrated their birthdays. I genuinely feel happy for them, really.
However, when my birthday is near, the unwanted voices in my head would become super freaking loud. That is the time, the army which is trying so hard to keep my positive thoughts in safety gets weak. The defensive system, the wall, even their weapons are so weak then even a feather would defeat them.
Yeap, not exaggerating, it is THAT weak.
That is the time when I feel low, low to the point where I wonder why I was even born in the first place. I am not appreciated, I am not loved, I am not even remembered. The voices would somehow convince me that I do not have friends or that my family does not even remember, that I am not loved, that I am a loner. The voices would even replay those videos or pictures other people posted on how they celebrated their birthdays, especially when I am alone. I would lie to you if I said that I never cried when that happens. I did cry, I cried a lot.
Fortunately, over the course of my life, I do have friends who would celebrate my birthday with me.
Even though the group tends to be different in every single phase of my life, at least some people do remember and would take some time off to celebrate it with me. I must admit that it does hurt that I cannot have all the groups that I have in every phase of my life to constantly celebrate my birthday with me each year, especially when I know people who are super lucky to have groups from childhood, teenage life, university life, and even colleagues turned into friends from their previous company or the one before the previous one or the current one to celebrate with them each year. I am envious of that and I wish for the same for me too.
Would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every single one of my friends who have or had celebrated my birthday with me. I truly appreciate each of your wishes as well. Thank you for taking time to drop me a text, I am really entirely grateful. Thank you for helping me to win the hard battle between my mind and those voices during my birthday. Trust me, if it was not because of you guys, my mental army would have lost and I would have been gone.
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